Post Texas Arizona Turns Violent, Cheese Steak Mortally Wounded


As though any of us needed another reason not to eat a cheese steak in bed, my roommate woke up the morning after our Texas Arizona show covered in blood and smashed Philly steak leftovers. The word “surreal” doesn’t even begin to describe this scene, of which I was alerted via a text message from the adjoining room reading “Get in here. It looks like I murdered a small animal and ate a cheese steak.”

Having no visible cuts anywhere on his body, he and I were dumbfounded as to how this could have possibly happened. Luckily, I’ve watched enough Dexter and CSI:Miami to be able to analyze the evidence in this case. Here’s two possible ways that it could have went down:


Scenario #1: Cheese Steak is delivered. Roommate welcomes in Cheese Steak, offers it something to drink, says nice things to it. Roommate lures Cheese Steak back to his room and makes advances toward Cheese Steak. Cheese Steak realizes that it’s not that type of late-night food and resists. A struggle ensues. Roommate overpowers Cheese Steak, rips it in half, eats part of it and smothers the rest.


Scenario #2: Roommate encounters Cheese Steak on his way home. Cheese Steak looks lonely and delicious. Roommate is seduced by Cheese Steak and they go home together. Cheese Steak drugs roommate so it can rob our place, but Cheese Steak critically underestimates roommate’s sedative threshold. Roommate fights back, overwhelms and ultimately devours Cheese Steak.

The real key to this case is determining the victim: my roommate or the Cheese Steak. Yes, I am using Cheese Steak as a proper noun. Crime scene photos are below. What do you think happened?

10 Responses to “Post Texas Arizona Turns Violent, Cheese Steak Mortally Wounded”

  • Megna

    February 17, 2010 at 1:18 am

    HA! another mystery to solve. It was most definately a struggle, no doubt. I think the real question is was a cutco knife used to cut Cheese Steak. Because if there was a cutco knife involved that could be the main suspect. And to think, the knife would’ve got away with it if it werent for you damn kids!

  • February 15, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    this is AWESOME!

  • February 9, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    We actually thought the same thing. But an attempt to eat the remaining cheese steak the following morning revealed that it was in fact blood.

  • Fart Monster

    February 9, 2010 at 9:47 am

    are you positive that the roommate didn’t attempt to put some ketchup on that bad boy?

  • February 8, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Well according to Ed Norton you can swallow a pint of your own blood before you get sick. Not sure how accurate that is by I’m willing to go with it.

  • Jumbo

    February 8, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    wow. great find. i am also working under the assumption that he continued to eat the cheesesteak despite the blood. is it unsanitary to eat your own blood?

  • February 8, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Excellent point, Jumbo. If you look at the images closely, you’ll notice that part of the cheese steak wrapper ended up in his shoe several feet from the bed, which would suggest that the sandwich was devoured in an aggressive fashion.

  • Jumbo

    February 8, 2010 at 11:13 am

    i still think the anonymous roommate got overexcited and punch himself in the face while trying to slam the cheesesteak down his gullet. nothing quite like the self-induced KO.

    also nothing like a good friend making everybody feel (slightly) better about themselves after a real aggressive saturday night.

  • February 8, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Thankfully no, we’ve learned our lesson and jumbo-proofed all our kitchen appliances. By that I mean we moved the beer to the other side of the room and I hired cocktail waitresses to swarm him with lighters every time he gets up for a butt.

  • box

    February 8, 2010 at 10:48 am

    First question – did Jumbo’s hair catch on fire or not?

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